Just Breathe
by waterlooroadfan2012
Summary: They say that the people with the widest of smiles, have the greatest pain inside. This is most definitely the case for one Detective Jacob Peralta. *Trigger Warning*
1. The Beginning of the End

**I'm back! Hopefully I will be able to start writing again and that my technique gets better. Any feedback is welcome.**

Every day was the same old thing. Wake up, get to work (20 minutes late), fight crime, go home, watch die hard and fall asleep in front of the television. At least, this is what life was like for Jacob "Jake" Peralta. You see, life has been pretty stale for Jake the last few years and with no sign that it is on it's way to getting better, it was starting to get to him.

He started to sleep less, eat less and drink more. However, by 9am the next day, he'd be the same old Jake. Waltzing into work, not a care in the world about being late, wide smile on his face, ready to give the Captin his latest excuse. Coffee always in hand, to try and cover up the sleep deprivation. However, as the days, the weeks and the months went by, Jake was finding it harder and harder to cover the fact that he was struggling. He had the same smile that he had always had, but people were starting to notice how much weight he had lost and how he was the last one to leave the bar, after a night out. He was less, well, Jake.

Then he stopped coming into work.

No phone call. No text. Nothing.

The only person to know, was Captain Holt. The only excuse the Captain gave was that he was ill. But this is Jake Peralta. The same Jake Peralta who insisted on working, even though he hadn't long received internal bleeding. The same Jake Peralta who had never missed a day of work. The same Jake Peralta who works through every holiday as he "has nothing better to do".

It was completely out of character to just not turn up.

No one knew how much he was suffering. How he was locked up in his apartment. The fear of leaving became so overwhelming, that he just never left. Take out containers filled his apartment, you could no longer see the floor.

Jake's smile had long faded, hair was stuck down flat with grease. He's wearing the same clothes that he wore two weeks ago, and he's yet to take them off. The apartments in darkness, not a single light on. That would just open him up to visitors thinking that he's home, so they can judge him. Judge how he looks. Judge the state of his apartment. Judge his personality. Most importantly. Judge his ability of his work.

Every day was the same, but different than before. He'd wake up, try to leave the apartment and decide that he's too bad at his job to do so, crack open a beer, sit in silence all day, order take out and then stay awake until he passes out from exhaustion.

See, it's more than the fact that he's stuck in a rut. It's the years of self deprecation. It's the years of never being good enough- for anyone. It's the years of relationships that always ended with him being the broken one. Maybe he's too trusting, maybe he's too kind. He will never know.  
It could also be the years of never having a "quiet" moment. Never being able to quiet the thousands of sentences and questions in his head. Being always "on the go". Not being able to sit still, always needing more but never having enough. Maybe this is what has driven Jake Peralta to this point in his life.

To the point in which he doesn't know where to go. Doesn't know who he can talk to. Can't find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Until one day, when there's a knock on the door. Standing there is his new neighbour. Samantha her name is. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Within the next week, Jake is back in work and everyone tells him how they missed him and how they were worried about him, especially when his mobile number got disconnected. But he was back to being the same old Jake. Smiling, poking fun of his colleagues and loving life. He'd wake up, get to work only 5 minutes late, save the day, get home and curl up on the sofa with Samantha, falling asleep in each others arms.

Jake hasn't felt like this in a long time. Happy. Happy is a word that you could not use to describe Jake. But now he had his "one true love". His everything. His Holly to his Bruce. His whole entire world. Every second that he wasn't catching criminals was spent with her. Until one day, when he got home and there was a simple note left on his bed. She's gone.

This is when Jake's demons catch up on him. The ones that he never dealt with previously. The new ones too. The change is hard to see at first. He comes to work with the same clothes on, two days in a row. People push it aside, presuming it to be due to whoever his rebound was. Then, slowly but surely, it all starts to come back. The lack of sleep. The lack of food. The drinking. Then, out of the blue, the disappearing.

This time it's worse. There's no take out containers hiding the floor. There's just a note. Written in his best hand writing. Placed perfectly on the centre of his coffee table. And all he has, is a handful of pills.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, so I wasn't planning to carry on with this but I needed to add another chapter after an idea came to me. Trigger warning for implied suicide.  
If your facing a hard time, please, please, contact your local crisis line.

**Chapter Text**

One day turned into two, two into four turned into 6. 6 Days since anyone had contact with Jake. No answer on his mobile, no answer on his landline. Radio silence. Not even Holt knew where he was this time. At the end of day 6, the squad decided that enough was enough and decided to go over to Jakes flat to see where he has been.

It was about 7:30pm when they arrived.  
None of them knowing how much their lives were about to change.

One knock, no answer. Another knock, still no answer. After the third knock Rosa decides that this wasn't going quick enough for her liking and breaks down the door.

There's an eerie feeling as the squad enter the apartment. It feels like nothing has been disturbed there for a while.

They look around as they try and find any clues to the whereabouts if their much loved detective.

That's when Terry picks up the note.  
That's when Amy lets out a wallowing cry from the bedroom.  
That's when the squad becomes incomplete.

Around 9:45pm the squad leaves Jakes apartment, about an hour after the ambulance had came to take Jake's body away.  
There wasn't a single dry eye.

No one knew Jake was suffering. He always hid it so well. Or maybe he was so open about it, no one really took notice.

2 weeks they had to wait to finally lay young Jacob to rest. 2 weeks of unbearable pain. Of self blame.

Everyone blamed themselves in one way or another.

For not saying something to him, when he looked worse for wear.  
For not offering a arm to cry on after his relationship had broken down.  
To make sure that he knew he had the whole squad to count on, in hard times.

The service was quick, the Squad and his biological family knew that he wouldn't want people to cry over his grave but to remember the good times that he shared with each and every one of them.  
There was tears and there was laughter. Remember Jake, for who he was. A caring, loving, weirdo.

This was when the Squad had an idea. To set up a memorial charity.  
There was numerous fund-raising events over the next months, so that people could have a charity to turn to when times got tough. So that no family or friends would have to go through what the Squad had gone through.

All in the name of Jake.

Notes: And that's it! Thanks for reading, please comment any feedback. I am also looking at making this a full fic, maybe with a different ending, so keep an eye out for that.


End file.
